Bittersweet victories

Celebratory Brownie

On Thursday like 300,000 other UK students I took the anxious walk into my school lunch hall to collect A Level results. Having struggled to find the energy to attend the seven hours of lessons a fortnight I was highly doubtful about my ability to achieve a good grade.

I got a grade C!!!!

I am absolutely ecstatic with my grade C in history as it has been a long hard slog, with lots of tears and stress. As a perfectionist with high academic standards for herself I have trouble accepting that my chronically ill body limits my ability to reach the higher grades, however I do recognize that it was my own determination and drive which got me such a good grade.

This is when the irrational (anxious) side of my brain plays What If?

  • If you had been well you would have been able to spend more time on your courework and ultimately getting a higher grade.
  • If you hadn’t used energy to spend time with family at christmas, you could have used it to revise the Tudors more.
  • If you hadn’t become ill aged 10 you would have done your a levels by now, and be well into a university course.
I am the one in the Dorky hat!

I think it’s perfectly nature to wonder What If? when your health has altered the course of your life especially when you’re young, as your age groups is speeding ahead in life. My cousin Ailsa (who is only 8 months older than me) has a full time job with lots of responsibility and a company pension, so I often compare myself to her and find myself falling short.

Therefore I always try and remember that as long as you are a kind person, moving forward in life it doesn’t matter how long it takes.

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